Daily Disciplines Series 4: Communication: Encouraging one another daily

Building up others by practicing excellent daily communication.

Communication as a Daily Discipline

Why is “communication” considered a daily discipline? We communicate all the time in many forms: talking, texting, emailing. Sometimes our talking is on the phone, lately it’s more on Zoom or other platforms. On occasion talking becomes shouting or yelling, but it can also be whispering softly or even non-verbal. We communicate by touch, and via our facial expressions like a smile or a look of surprise. Simply put, communication is “sending and receiving a message”.

Communication is a spiritual discipline because it takes discipline to communicate spiritually. Reasons for being spiritually disciplined in our communication include:

• The Bible tells us to “encourage one another daily” (Hebrews 3:13). We need to communicate encouragement to help each other avoid sinfulness and patiently persevere through life’s trials.
• God wants us to have great relationships, and relationships are greatly affected by our communication.
• In our relationships we will have conflicts, so we need to learn how to better communicate so that we can avoid conflict when possible, and resolve it when it occurs.

Let’s take a look at a framework for interpersonal communication, how both listening and speaking are important, and how to resolve conflict quickly.

A Communication Framework

As mentioned above, communication is sending and receiving a message. Successful communication occurs when the message is clearly understood by the receiver with the meaning intended by the sender. However, the communication process can break down because messages are based on facts and feelings.

Facts and Feelings

Facts are facts. “Just the facts”. There is no debate, no question when it comes to a fact. Two plus two is four, the sky is blue, and both taxes and death are certain. Facts.

Feelings are different. Feelings can be emotions like anger, sadness, fear, joy, etc. They can also be a general sense of whether something is good or bad, potentially harmful or thoroughly satisfying, as when something feels dangerous or when one has a “gut feeling”. We can also have feelings in our relationships, such as feeling attraction, or finding someone annoying. Feelings can be about things, situations and people. We can even have feelings about how we’re feeling.

Opinions

We use facts and feelings to form opinions. Usually opinions are based on a mix of facts and feelings. I mostly tend to consider facts when I’m forming an opinion, while Mary tends to focus on her feelings. An example we often share is when we were young parents and we were looking for a new house to rent. We found one that I thought was perfect: it was in a good location, had lots of space, the rent was reasonable… and there were lots of other facts that led me to the opinion that we should go for it. Mary on the other hand felt that it wouldn’t work for us. She couldn’t point out many facts to back up the feeling, mostly that she didn’t feel comfortable when she was inside the house. She felt like we shouldn’t rent it.

Of course I had feelings along with looking at the facts: the idea of not having to look any further made me feel relieved, and I felt excited about being in that part of town. Also, Mary knew some facts that were adding to her feelings, for instance that the house was on a busy street which made her feel uncomfortable about the kids playing outside. The point is that facts and feelings were driving us to different opinions about the house.

Decisions

Once we’ve formed opinions, we use them to make decisions. We face hundreds, maybe thousands of decisions every day. Some we barely think about, like whether to brush our teeth or floss first, or which foot to use first when going up a flight of stairs. We don’t need to think about these because we’ve already learned patterns based on facts, feelings, and opinions that have pre-determined our decisions. In the previous example, Mary and I discussed our opinions and the facts and feelings that helped us form them. Through speaking about them and listening to each other’s opinions, facts, and feelings, we were able to make a final decision. When I heard that Mary’s opinion was based on a feeling supported by an important fact, the busy street, I changed my opinion and we decided together that we would not rent the house.

When we enter into a conversation, we form opinions to guide us. Conversations tend to fall into topic areas focused on a decision to be made, facts to inform others, or feelings to be shared. When all parties in the conversation effectively speak about their facts, feelings, and opinions and they also effectively listen to those of others, communication is effective. However, many times the speaking, or more often the listening, is not done well, which can lead to misunderstandings and “relational friction”, more commonly referred to as “arguments”.

¹⁹ My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, ²⁰ because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.

James 1:19-20 (NIV)

Quick to Listen

James encourages us to be “quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19). In context, James is referring to our reactions to the “word of truth” (v. 18), that we should “humbly accept the word planted in” us (v. 21). However, the concept of listening before we speak in our communication is a sound piece of wisdom. Listening before speaking helps us to gather all of the facts and feelings first before drawing the wrong conclusions based on forming a hasty opinion. It can help us to avoid the conflict and the anger that can quickly result.

To answer before listening—
    that is folly and shame.

Proverbs 18:13 (NIV)

Listen, then Speak

The Greek philosopher Epictetus is credited with the wise saying “we have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” However, our human tendency is to not listen as much as we speak. We tend to answer quickly with our opinion before we’ve had an opportunity to listen to all of the facts and feelings.

Active Listening

It’s important to not only be quick to listen, but to practice “active listening”. Often when others are speaking, our mind is quickly forming opinions and answers before the other person is done speaking. Active listening is focusing on what others are saying now and not on what you want to say next.

One way to improve your active listening skills is to learn how to ask questions about what you are hearing. This will help you to clarify what you don’t understand, or learn more about what the person wants to communicate. If you are actively listening, you should be able to explain back to the person what they have told you. If you can’t, or if they express that you didn’t hear it correctly, then you didn’t receive the message that they intended. By asking questions and seeking clarification, you provide the speaker with the opportunity to complete their message so that you can properly address what is being communicated.

Slow to Speak

Speaking is as important as listening to effective communication. Our words are very powerful and can cause others to be built up or town down.

Those who guard their mouths and their tongues
    keep themselves from calamity.

Proverbs 21:23 (NIV)

How can we keep ourselves from the “calamity” of our speech hurting others and leading us into a conflict? The Bible provides much wisdom on how we should speak.

Avoid Sinful Speech

But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. ⁹ Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices

Colossians 3:8-9 (NIV)

As followers of Christ, we seek to set sin aside and live obediently to the Word. We need to rid ourselves of any speech that comes from sin in our hearts. Colossians 3 lists many sinful kinds of communication that we need to remove:

• Anger: Anger isn’t sinful unless it’s not under control or driven by hate. After all, Jesus expressed his righteous anger by turning over tables in the Temple courts (Mark 11:15-17). This was anger driven by conviction and not by hate. Don’t let your anger lead you to sin (Ephesians 4:26) because “human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires” (James 1:20).
• Slander: “a malicious, false, and defamatory statement or report” (according to dictionary.com). If you say anything about someone that you didn’t or wouldn’t discuss with them directly, or is false or defames them, then your speech is sinful and hurtful.
• Foul or profane language: Use of bad language is prevelant in our society, from everyday conversations to public statements to the various forms of media we consume. As Christians, we need to be set apart from the world and not use such language. Ephesians 5:3 tells us “there must not be even a hint” of profanity that can come from sexual immorality, impurity or greed. It’s “improper for God’s holy people” to join the world around us by using such language.
• Deceit: Lying is deceitful and clearly sinful. However, deceit goes beyond an obvious lie. We can be deceitful by not revealing all the information so that others will have a higher opinion of us or our actions. Be truthful in your dealings with others, and in how you confess your sins.

Our emotions can lead us to sinful communication. Never allow anger, impure thoughts, deceptive thinking, pride, or other sin to cause you to become sinful in your speech.

Avoid Quarrels

¹⁴ Keep reminding God’s people of these things. Warn them before God against quarreling about words; it is of no value, and only ruins those who listen.

²³ Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. ²⁴ And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful.

2 Timothy 2:14, 23-24 (NIV)

Along with sinful speech, we need to avoid quarreling, or having endless disagreements about small matters. Paul encouraged Timothy to avoid “foolish and stupid arguments” that produce quarrels. When we spend lots of time arguing about matters that ultimately are of little consequence, we can find ourselves forming divisions among God’s people. Instead, Paul tells his young student to be “kind to everyone” and later to be sure that opponents are “gently instructed”. This will lead to repentance, which can restore relationships divided by quarreling.

Learn to Speak Well

Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless.

James 1:26 (NIV)

We can avoid sinful speech and quarreling by “keeping a tight rein on our tongues” (paraphrasing James 1:26) and learning ways to speak well. Paul offers some wisdom for our communication in Colossians 4:6. In context this is about how we “act toward outsiders”, but it also seems wise for application to how we act with each other also.

Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.

Colossians 4:6 (NIV)

This passage talks about knowing how to “answer everyone”. It’s interesting that it presupposes that we are listening before we speak. The passage also implies that we think about what we are planning to say, to be wise about what our conversation will include. We need to have our conversation be “full of grace”, which means kindness, gentleness and love. We then season this with salt, or conviction, truth and passion. Like putting salt on our food, a little enhances the food of our main conversation, while too much ruins the ability to taste the meat of our message. Be wise and have your speech overflow with grace before flavoring it with salt of convictions. Here are some practicals of speaking with grace and a dash of salt:

• Our words should be appropriate: Make sure what you say fits the occasion. Your conversation will be ineffective if those present don’t have the maturity or are not spiritually ready for the salt part. Consider the emotional and physical state of those you’re addressing along with their spiritual state. It’s difficult for others to listen and understand when facing an emotional or physical issue. An example is when someone is experiencing grief. Often that person needs understanding and compassion more than a rebuke or correction.
• Our words should be personal: Some personal things are better said in private rather than said before a whole group. Unless others are involved or affected by what you have to say to someone, find a way to address it with them in private first. Matthew 18:15 tells us to begin dealing with sin by discussing it privately, “just between the two of you”. If they don’t listen, the next step is to bring in a few others to help. Our human tendency is to want everyone to hear about how someone else wronged us before facing them to discuss it, but Jesus encouraged us to do the opposite. Don’t involve others in your private matter with another person unless you’re not able to resolve it one on one.
• Our words should inspire and build up, not condemn or demean: Ephesians 4:29 tells to say “only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs”. We should aim to have our words contain over 99% grace and less than 1% salt! To inspire and build up, we need to consider the needs of others. Is he down and feeling defeated? Encourage him! Is she sad and feeling hurt? Comfort her! Are they in sin? Inspire them to take action and repent!
• Our word should be scriptural: in our conversations with others we need to go to the Word of God. In 2 Timothy 4:2, Paul tells Timothy “Preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction.” Use the Bible especially when confronting sin or when you need to inspire spiritual thinking and action. Be prepared by knowing the Word and how to apply it to the situation. Use the Word whether it seems like the right time or not. The Bible helps us correct, rebuke and encourage as needed. Use the “living and active” Word in your conversations! (Hebrews 4:12)

The book of Proverbs provides many nuggets of wisdom about speech. Here are a few to consider:

• Proverbs 15:18 – A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel.
• Proverbs 10:19 – When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.
• Proverbs 17:27 – A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered.
• Proverbs 13:3 – He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin.
• Proverbs 15:2 – The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly.

In these proverbs and others, we see the importance of being “slow to speak”, with words like “patient”, “holds his tongue”, “restraint”, “guards his lips” and not being one who “gushes folly”. Keeping all this in mind will help us to avoid sinful speech, avoid quarrels, and learn to speak well.

By being “quick to listen, slow to speak”, our communication will lead us to better understand. Understanding can help us with the next step, being “slow to become angry”.

Slow to Become Angry

In our conversations we can sometimes get James 1:19 backwards: we quickly get angry, say something that comes to us quickly, then take a long time to really listen and understand. Taking care to first understand can help us avoid anger and to resolve conflict quickly.

Seek First to Understand

Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi

Many times we find that our anger is due to a lack of understanding. As discussed above about the communication framework, not understanding another’s feelings and relevant facts can affect how we form opinions and can lead us to conflict.

Have you ever found yourself getting angry with someone, but later learning more about the situation that changed your view? Psychologists refer to this as the “Fundamental Attribution Error”, or FAE.

The basic idea behind FAE is that as humans we tend to explain the behavior of others based on personality traits (dispositional) vs the facts of the situation (situational). For example, if I trip over a rock, you might blame it on me being clumsy or uncoordinated (disposition). If you trip on the same rock, you may attribute it to where it was placed (situational). FAE means that it’s easy for you to blame the person when you don’t know or don’t consider the situation.

Another example (from the BentonBlog series on parenting):

An example I often use to explain FAE is as follows: you’re in the supermarket wheeling your cart toward the checkout line when a guy with two kids rushes ahead of you and puts their items on the counter. You’re a little annoyed, but it gets worse: the clerk greets him by name and asks how things are going. Now you’re ready to lash out and let them know you’re mad, that they’re being rude cutting in front of you then chatting and wasting your time. Then the father of two tells the clerk he’s overwhelmed: since his wife’s recent death it’s all he can do to keep up with caring for his kids, and he’s running late getting one of them to the doctor. Now that you know more about his situation and the reason for his interruption of your day, don’t you feel a bit sorry that you so quickly thought the worst of the guy? As a disciple of Christ, you may even now feel like offering to help somehow!

from Habit 5: Be A Listener, from Parenting Series 2018 on BentonBlog

The Fundamental Attributon Error is part of why we need to be quick to listen and slow to speak so that we can better understand. By understanding, we can avoid anger and the conflict that anger can bring.

Resolving Conflict

17 In the following directives I have no praise for you, for your meetings do more harm than good. 18 In the first place, I hear that when you come together as a church, there are divisions among you, and to some extent I believe it. 19 No doubt there have to be differences among you to show which of you have God’s approval.

1 Corinthians 11:17-19 New International Version (NIV)

In our interpersonal communication, conflict is inevitable. We are not perfect, so our communication will sometimes not be effective and will lead to differences of opinion and lack of understanding. When this happens, we can get angry, leading to conflict.

However, conflict can also be beneficial. As Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 11:19, when we discuss our differences in opinion and resolve our conflicts, it helps us to know what God approves. Working through conflict can help us to better know God’s will as we make decisions and plans.

Resolving conflict is an important part of communication. BentonBlog has a series devoted to the topic – see Resolving Conflict Series 2019. Here is a brief summary:

• Recognizing Conflict – three main types of conflict (2 Timothy 2:14-26):
  • Differences in matters of opinion, for example in Acts 15, at the Council in Jerusalem where Paul and Barnabas discuss the conversion of Gentiles with the apostles and leadership of the Jerusalem church.
  • Relationship issues, for example in Genesis 25-32, when Jacob and Esau resolve differences involving their birthright and blessing from their father Israel.
  • Confronting sin and sinful behavior, for example in Galatians 2, when Paul confronts Peter about his sinful behavior of showing favoritism to the Jewish converts over the Gentile converts and being hypocritical.
• Refraining from Conflict
  • Overlook it: let an offense go if it is small or trivial.
  • Avoid it: avoid any “foolish or stupid arguments” (2 Timothy 2:23).
  • Discuss it: be “quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19).
  • Address it: If an issue threatens someone’s faith, will damage their relationships with others or is a safety/health concern (for example, substance abuse, etc), then you should address it or seek advice from those best trained to address the issue. Don’t overlook or avoid these types of issues.
• Resolving Conflict
  • Confronting sin: use the process in Matthew 18. The goal is repentance.
  • Communication/Relationships: Discussion focused on the issues, not pesonal attack, etc. The goal is forgiveness.
  • Controversy/matters of opinion: listen to all parties, propose a solution, and present it to God in prayer. The goal is unity.
• Recovering from Conflict
  • Conflict can have lingering effects: damage to relationships, unresolved hurt feelings, etc.
  • Focus on the goals used to resolve the conflict: repentance, forgiveness, and unity.

More details and practicals on resolving conflict are available in the blog post series. When dealing with conflict, be sure to get help if you are unable to quickly find resolution, including help from mature disciples, leadership of your congregation, and in some cases professional counseling.

Communication and Social Media

In Biblical times, communication used simple channels like conversations, addressing crowds, and sending letters and documents. In the 21st century, communication now travels over emails, text messages, and social media. Here are a few quick thoughts on the use of social media:

• Social media is one-way instead of interactive. Direct communication, for example a conversation on the phone and even emails/text messages, include the interaction between both elements of communication, the sender and the receiver. Social media is generally in the form of messages sent one-way to a network, with limited interaction with the receiver. There is generally a lack of feedback, or it’s delayed, and social media platforms typically don’t involve active interaction. This can lead the sender to not know the reaction of the receiver or be able to respond quickly and clarify the meaning as needed. The one-way nature of social media can lead to ineffective communication and misunderstandings.
• Social media is open communication. Social media platforms encourage posting things we may not say to others face to face. It also can let users post opinions to an audience that is not in agreement or is not able or ready to fully understand the message. It is often used to post opinions that are uninformed, at least in the sense that the opinion may not consider the situation or needs of the receiver, which is an important element in communication.
• Social media is a permanent record. What a user posts online can be searched and used later to define the user’s character. A foolish or uninformed post from the past can hurt a social media user’s relationships and even thier job prospects in the future.

Practicals

In conclusion, here are a few practicals for effective communication:

• Be a good listener : God gave you two ears and only one mouth, so listen twice as much as you speak!
• Use your speech to honor God and build others up: avoid sinful speech, avoid quarrels, and learn to speak well.
• Be slow to become angry: seek first to understand, and learn about the person’s situation and disposition/personality to avoid FAE-type judgmentalism.
• Resolve conflicts: This can be by either avoiding them or resolving them by having a goal of repentance, unity and/or forgiveness, and getting help if needed.
• Be careful with social media: understand the limits and possible pitfalls of using social media platforms to communicate.

Suggested Memory Scriptures

Hebrews 3:13, James 1:19-20

Discussion Questions

1. What kind of listener are you?  Do you interrupt others when they are speaking?  How can you improve your listening habits?
2. How can you better use your speech to build others up?  Get in touch with someone to tell them something encouraging, either about them or some way that God has encouraged you.
3. Think about a recent conflict you had with someone.  Was it primarily about confronting sin, controversial matters or communication in a relationship?  How do you know it was resolved?  If you did not reach a point of repentance, unity or forgiveness, follow up this week to make sure you completely resolve the matter.