The fifth habit in Covey’s 7 Habits book is to seek first to understand, then to be understood. Essentially this habit is about developing trust, a subject that his son Stephen M. C. Covey explored in an excellent book Speed of Trust.
For parents, this means to be a listener and hear what’s going on with your children. This develops trust, and helps us to find ways to communicate love to them.
In speaking about us listening to God, and applying it to us as parents, let’s look at what James had to say…
James 1:19-20
19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.
James encourages his readers to focus on listening first, then speaking and last of all getting angry about what is being said. As parents, it’s easy to get this backward: getting angry at what was said, saying what we think or want our kids to do, then listening to them. Many a time I could have avoided getting angry and acting in an ungodly way toward my children or others if I had just listened first, then decided if I needed to speak, and if so then speaking without getting angry.
As humans, we tend to apply motives before we know the facts. We quickly blame the person for being selfish or wrong in some way before listening to why they may have acted the way they did. Psychologists call it the “Fundamental Attribution Error” or FAE – it’s our basic tendency to judge a situation based on our past experiences before we know all the facts in the current situation.
An example I often use to explain FAE: you’re in the supermarket wheeling your cart toward the checkout line when a guy with two kids rushes ahead of you and puts their items on the counter. You’re a little annoyed, but it gets worse: the clerk greets him by name and asks how things are going. Now you’re ready to lash out and let them know you’re mad, that they’re being rude cutting in front of you then chatting and wasting your time. Then the father of two tells the clerk he’s overwhelmed: since his wife’s recent death it’s all he can do to keep up with caring for his kids, and he’s running late getting one of them to the doctor. Now that you know more about his situation and the reason for his interruption of your day, don’t you feel a bit sorry that you so quickly thought the worst of the guy? As a disciple of Christ, you may even now feel like offering to help somehow!
Do you find yourself doing this with your own children? What should you do instead? “Be quick to listen…”
Ask: what are some ways we can be better listeners for our children?
Practical: Before you respond to something you child does or says, take a minute to ask three questions. First ask them why they did/said what they said (the reason). Next ask what led up to doing what they did or saying what they said (the context). Thirdly, ask them how they expect you to respond to what was said/done. Finally, once you’ve found a spiritual godly response to the situation, pray with your child and reaffirm your love for them, especially if part of your response is a need for discipline (see Habit 4).