Today started like any other day, considering that we are in the midst of a global pandemic. I haven’t been too concerned over the last 3 weeks, and that is probably ‘my bad’, though I have kept my appropriate social distance, washed my hands over and over, and been vigilant in following the guidelines laid out by the government. I have been worried for others, especially friends and family in high risk groups. But I haven’t really been afraid of catching the virus. I have been holding on to something God told Abraham in Genesis 15:1 – “Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your very great reward,” and it has been a great comfort.
Yet, today everything changed. Our state enacted a ‘stay at home’ order that is effective until June 10, 2020. Three months, when you consider that we already have been mostly at home for the last three weeks! In my eyes – an eternity. Suddenly I was overwhelmed and quite without the feeling of comfort that I had over the past weeks. And I had to cry.
The crying felt good, but it also felt terrible. I was thinking about all those who were sick and those who had already died from the virus. I thought about the horrifying projections of what was still to come in the US. And I began questioning. I began to wonder if all this might not be too much for God. Was he truly in control, or had COVID-19 become the new master? The questions came rapid-fire, along with the tears, and my anxieties and fears were in danger of spiraling downward rapidly. Did the crying and fear mean I had lost my faith?
When I was all cried out, I sat back, looked out my window, and realized that I had been here many times in my life. Times of anguish, pain and questioning have been scattered throughout my life, whether on a personal or national scale. But God has always been right there, whether I could see him or not. He has held me, comforted me, protected my heart, and infused me with hope, even when it was hard for me to see or understand.
I thought about David, and his song of praise to God after being delivered from his enemies and from Saul. The whole song is amazing, but the following is the part that moves my heart the most:
“As for God, his way is perfect; the Lord’s word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him. For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure. He makes my feel like the feet of a deer; he causes me to stand on the heights. He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze. You. make your saving help my shield; your help has made me great. You provide a broad path for my feet, so that my ankles do not give way.” (2 Samuel 22:31-37)
God’s way is perfect. He is not a silent bystander, leaving us to handle this alone. He is the steady Rock that I can fall on whenever I am fearful, overwhelmed and anxious.
Crying is okay. It is helpful and allows us let go of the all emotions that are building inside. Crying doesn’t mean I have lost my faith. It means I am releasing my fear to God, and allowing his grace, hope and love to fill me back up and strengthen me, and carry me through the next three months.