After recognizing a conflict, avoiding it (refraining), or resolving it, lingering effects and issues can remain. Conflict can leave us with issues that need to be addressed, or help us to see that the conflict is not yet fully resolved. These issues can include:
- effects of sin: this can include the damage sin may have done to our health, finances, or other areas, both for the one who sinned and for the one who was sinned against.
- damaged trust: this affects our relationships in different ways, including not giving others an opportunity to “prove repentance by their deeds”.
- hurt feelings: similar to damaged trust, we can still feel emotions about the conflict that keep us from moving on or from feeling that the situation is fully resolved.
- difficulties with communicating: damaged trust and hurt feelings can cause us to withdraw from others or avoid interacting with them, which keeps relationships from healing.
- difficulty accepting decisions that did not go our way: when we don’t agree with the outcome or final decision, we can undermine unity by not fully accepting the results or actions that come from the decision.
In short, if we don’t recover well from a conflict, it can leave effects of sin, relationship issues or disunity that can lead to more conflict.
To recover from conflict, it may be helpful to focus on the goals we have in resolving conflict (See previous blog post): repentance, forgiveness, and unity.
Repentance
Repentance at its core is a change of our mind and attitude that leads us to action. Action alone doesn’t necessarily show that we’ve fully repented. However, taking action can help with the repentance process and show others involved that the one in sin is moving forward on their journey toward full repentance.
Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it—I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while— yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done. At every point you have proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter. So even though I wrote to you, it was neither on account of the one who did the wrong nor on account of the injured party, but rather that before God you could see for yourselves how devoted to us you are. By all this we are encouraged.
2 Corinthians 7:8-13a New International Version (NIV)
In 2 Corinthians 7:8-13a, Paul talks about godly sorrow that leads to repentance, along with several actions the person repenting can take. These include:
- earnestness: which means moving forward with all diligence, taking action quickly but with care toward accomplishing what you’ve set out to do, in this case, acts of repentance.
- eagerness to clear yourselves: the Greek word used for this phrase is apologia, which is the same root word as the English words apology and apologetics. Certainly offering an apology often goes a long way toward repentance and relationship building, but there’s also an element of answering for and taking responsibility for the acts of sin. This same Greek word is used in 1 Peter 3:15 about always being prepared to give an answer, to defend the faith. In essence, the repentant person will be eager to apologize, own the issue and be prepared to answer for their sin.
- indignation: this is shown by an irritation about and a rejection of the act of sin, not only by the sinner but by the others affected by it. Indignation or denial of the sin is a complement to eagerness to clear it, which is an acceptance of the responsibility.
- alarm: The Christian Standard Bible and other translations use the word “fear” instead of “alarm” to translate the Greek word used here, “phobos”, where we get the English word phobia. This could be fear of punishment from God or others, or fear and alarm that the action could be repeated. A person who has sinned and is repenting should have a healthy fear about their action.
- longing: or a desire, in this case to get the situation back to normal, or relationships restored. The Greek word used is the same as used in verse 7, where Paul talks about hearing of their longing or desire to see him, again out of relationship.
- concern: The Greek word used here is “zelos”, usually translated “zeal” (CSB and others). Certainly, a repentant person should have concern over the sin and its effect on others, but also a zeal to do what is right and not continue in sin.
- readiness to see justice done: Here the Greek word has a sense of vindication and is alternately translated as “punishment” (CSB). While the feeling that someone must be punished by the community when there is sin can be taken too far, the willingness of a repentant sinner to accept any punishment can help with resolving the matter.
Talking about these items and helping the parties involved in the conflict to work through issues with godly sorrow in mind can help with recovering from the lingering effects of conflicts caused by sin.
Practicals
- Help each other with taking action like what is mentioned in 2 Corinthians 7. As we seek earnestness, eagerness and the like, we can develop godly sorrow that will lead to repentance.
- Help the repenting person to rely on God for strength and guidance, and praise them for progress, not expecting perfection. Gently correct them when they fall back and remind them of their decision to repent. Take care to not let their sin lead you to be tempted yourself, and stay humble (see Galatians 6:1-5)
Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load.
Galatians 6:1-5 New International Version (NIV)
Forgiveness
The call to forgive one another comes with a high standard in the Bible.
Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
Colossians 3:13 New International Version (NIV)
We are called to forgive as Jesus did. Jesus’ forgiveness was out of love that was undeserved and he sacrificed all to ensure complete forgiveness. With such a high standard, how many times does God expect us to offer our forgiveness?
Jesus said to his disciples: “Things that cause people to stumble are bound to come, but woe to anyone through whom they come. It would be better for them to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around their neck than to cause one of these little ones to stumble. So watch yourselves. “If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.” The apostles said to the Lord, “Increase our faith!” He replied, “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it will obey you. “Suppose one of you has a servant plowing or looking after the sheep. Will he say to the servant when he comes in from the field, ‘Come along now and sit down to eat’? Won’t he rather say, ‘Prepare my supper, get yourself ready and wait on me while I eat and drink; after that you may eat and drink’? Will he thank the servant because he did what he was told to do? So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.’”
Luke 17:1-10 New International Version (NIV)
Jesus tells his disciples that seven times is not enough, but more like seven times seven. Simple math tells us that’s 49 times, but that’s not the point. In a similar parallel passage in Matthew 1:21-22, Jesus tells Peter it’s seventy times seven, or 490 times! That would mean that if your brother or sister sins against you every week and you forgive them every week, and this continues over and over again every week, you would need to forgive them for the same sin for almost nine and a half years! Jesus’ point is more that we need to do whatever it takes to forgive the brother or sister who sins against us. Even if they’ve shown solid repentance, they could hurt us again, which could lead to feelings of bitterness and of wanting to blame them or of wanting them to be further punished. In these times we need to remember how Jesus forgave us and keep forgiving them seven, seven times seven, seventy times seven or more times.
The passage in Luke also talks about not causing others to stumble by our lack of forgiveness. Jesus goes on to tell the parable of the unworthy servant, which, given the context of the need to constantly forgive, is a message to us about staying humble as we forgive. The goal of forgiveness and of continuing to forgive our brothers and sisters is not that we expect perfection from them, but that we are unworthy of forgiveness ourselves. Humble forgiveness is important as we work through resolving conflicts in our relationships.
Practicals:
- Consider how the other person feels and the ways we may have sinned against them or hurt them. Realizing that you may need forgiveness can help with resolving the relationship rather than only expecting the other person to seek forgiveness.
- In forgiving someone, express true forgiveness. In seeking forgiveness we often say “I’m sorry” or “I shouldn’t have done that or treated you that way”, and the response is often “that’s ok” or “don’t worry about it”, but it’s more meaningful if we actually use the words “please forgive me” and “I forgive you”. If we aren’t specific in our words, it can leave doubt about whether forgiveness has happened and it can leave us open to feeling that the matter is not resolved.
- Pray together and ask God to bless your forgiveness and your relationship.
Unity
It’s important to point out that after the unifying time at the Council of Jerusalem in Acts 15, Paul and Barnabas have a “sharp disagreement” and part ways. The issue was a personal one: Paul felt that John Mark had deserted them and didn’t want to rely on him as they went out again, and Barnabas was advocating for John Mark, perhaps because they were cousins. The issue was not doctrinal as at the Council, but was of personality and feelings of disappointment and maybe even over an issue of sin – the Bible doesn’t give the reason that John Mark left Paul and Barnabas and returned home to Jerusalem. The passage leaves the impression that Paul did not forgive John Mark and there may have been issues of not repenting, and the end result was a lack of unity. Unity needs to be constantly built in our relationships, small groups, and church so that we can better ensure that differences of opinion are resolved.
Practicals:
There are many ways to build unity. Let’s explore some that are mentioned in Acts 2 as the new church in Jerusalem worked to build unity after the amazing day of Pentecost:
- teaching: Knowing what God’s word says is very unifying for the church. Taking time to have specific teaching on areas that could lead to conflict can help the church to better understand not only what God’s word says, but also better understand those that have different views among the congregation. Our local church occasionally devotes a midweek service to “hot topics”, which recently have included the use of cannabis, drugs and how to minister to the LGBTQ community. These teaching times help us to discuss issues proactively to make sure we don’t have unnecessary conflict about them.
- fellowship: The Greek word used here is koinonia, sometimes translated as “communion”. It’s meant to be a time spent together in participation, whether participating in the bread and fruit of the vine at a communion celebration during a worship service or participating with one another in conversation or activities. This can be one on one or in small groups, sharing our lives and helping to shepherd and disciple one another. It can also be participating in our church activities, including worship and special ministry events like parenting, singles, campus or teen devos, serving together, or attending retreats.
- breaking of bread: Here the Greek word can be translated loaf, so the implication is that they ate together. Great times of fellowship often include sharing a meal, and many times the conversation over food and the act of serving one another promotes increased unity.
- prayer: lifting our hands and voices in prayer not only unifies us in our worship of God, but we can pray to ask God to help our brothers and sisters repent, express, and ask for forgiveness and resolve all conflict that keeps us from being unified.
Concluding Thoughts
As we deal with the possible lingering effects of sin, relationship issues, and differences of opinion, we should continue to focus on the goals for resolving conflict: repentance, forgiveness, and unity. This will help us to avoid further conflict and to persevere until we completely resolve our conflicts. In all of this, we should apply love, remembering Jesus’ new command in John 13:34-35:
“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
John 13:34-35 New International Version (NIV)