In Conflict 1: Recognizing Conflict, we discussed three main types of conflict. In this post, we’ll explore how to resolve these conflicts by applying biblical principles. One key principle for resolving conflict is in Matthew 18.
15 “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
Matthew 18:15-17 New International Version (NIV)
Note that this is presented as a command: we are responsible individually to confront sin! This process is important as we deal with sin: keep it limited to small circles at first with the goal of leading the person to repentance. However, if they will not repent, then it must be taken to a higher level: consult with church leadership if a person remains unrepentant about sin.
In practice, many go directly to church leaders when they see sin or issues with repentance with a brother or sister and expect them to “do something about it”. This contradicts the words of Jesus in Matthew 18: “just between the two of you”, but there are a few other reasons it’s not the best way to deal with these situations. Not talking to them directly could lead to gossip about the brother or sister, and it also puts responsibility for addressing the situation on someone who may not have observed the same things and may not be the best position to help resolve the conflict. The best path is to address the sin directly, then get help if needed. Most of us would appreciate someone addressing our sin directly and not having a leader bring it to us indirectly.
In summary, a general principle for dealing with conflict is: do your best to limit the conflict discussion to the smallest circle of those affected. Telling everyone about the situation can lead to gossip when others are involved who cannot help with the situation.
It’s also important to know when you need more help; when to go from confronting “just between the two of you” and bringing in “one or two others”. A few times to consider this might be:
- if you’re part of the conflict, in other words the other party might feel that you also sinned or are causing part of the conflict,
- if you are not making progress in resolving a conflict,
- if the situation threatens someone’s faith/salvation, relationships or safety/health (substance abuse, etc).
If any of these conditions is keeping the conflict from being resolved, then please seek help from your spiritual leaders: Bible Talk leader, ministry staff, elders. As mentioned in the previous post, this is especially true of any situation where the issue threatens someone’s faith/salvation, their relationship with others or their safety/health (as in substance abuse, etc.). These kinds of issues may require professional help.
With all this in mind, let’s look at how to go about resolving three basic types of conflict: confronting sin, dealing with relationship issues and settling differences of opinion. For each, we’ll present a goal for resolving the issue, then a process, principles, and practicals.
Confronting sin
Example: Galatians 2 – Paul confronts Peter’s sin of hypocrisy.
11 When Cephas came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he stood condemned. 12 For before certain men came from James, he used to eat with the Gentiles. But when they arrived, he began to draw back and separate himself from the Gentiles because he was afraid of those who belonged to the circumcision group. 13 The other Jews joined him in his hypocrisy, so that by their hypocrisy even Barnabas was led astray. 14 When I saw that they were not acting in line with the truth of the gospel, I said to Cephas in front of them all, “You are a Jew, yet you live like a Gentile and not like a Jew. How is it, then, that you force Gentiles to follow Jewish customs?
Galatians 2:11-14 New International Version (NIV)
Goal: Repentance
Process: Matt 18 – Jesus’ teaching on sin, repentance, and forgiveness
- Show them their sin – discuss how they sinned against you. This is for sin, not hurt feelings, etc – see the section later that addresses these types of conflict.
- If they do not repent, get help by bringing along one or two others. Clearly, you should go to someone who is spiritually mature, so seek out your BT leader or someone in leadership.
- If they still do not repent, the elders and evangelists need to be brought in and the person may need to be brought before the church.
Principles:
- The context of Matthew 18 is Jesus teaching various topics related to sin and repentance. Verses 15-18 (see above) address how to deal with sin between brothers and sisters, but before and after it are parables: before, the parable of the wandering sheep and after, the parable of the unmerciful servant. In the former, Jesus wants the disciples to understand the importance of seeking out those who have strayed into sin, and in the latter, he emphasizes the need to forgive because we have been forgiven much.
- The key to verses 15-18 then is that it is not about punishing someone who is in sin, but instead, it is about showing them the seriousness of repentance. Our focus should be on helping our brother or sister to repent and not on punishing them for their sin.
Practicals:
- We need to create relationships and a church culture where we are willing and eager for others to point out our sin without getting offended or defensive, and also one where we aren’t afraid to point out someone’s sin but willing to do it with love and the purpose of helping our brother or sister repent and mature in Christ. To do this, we need to build trusting relationships where we apply abundant grace, complete forgiveness, and determined unity. We address some of this in the issues below.
- Often in situations where repentance is needed, we can sometimes focus too much on having the person “prove their repentance by their deeds”. We need to be careful not to frustrate a person caught up in sin by demanding action when they have not completely repented in their mind and heart. Repentance means a change in their mindset and to turn away from sin, and although deeds are a way we can show repentance, they are not proof that one’s mind and heart have turned away from sin.
Dealing with relationship issues
Example: Genesis 25-32 – Jacob and Esau resolve differences involving their birthright and blessing from their father Israel.
4 But Esau ran to meet Jacob and embraced him; he threw his arms around his neck and kissed him. And they wept. 5 Then Esau looked up and saw the women and children. “Who are these with you?” he asked.
Genesis 33:4-9 New International Version (NIV)
Jacob answered, “They are the children God has graciously given your servant.”
6 Then the female servants and their children approached and bowed down. 7 Next, Leah and her children came and bowed down. Last of all came Joseph and Rachel, and they too bowed down.
8 Esau asked, “What’s the meaning of all these flocks and herds I met?”
“To find favor in your eyes, my lord,” he said.
9 But Esau said, “I already have plenty, my brother. Keep what you have for yourself.”
Goal: Forgiveness
Process:
- Listen to both sides,
- Talk about the issues, but then
- Move toward having the parties express forgiveness to each other and ask forgiveness of God
Principles:
- Principle 1: forgiveness is more important than even worship – Matt 5:23-24
- Principle 2: forgiveness toward others affects our relationship with God – Matt 6:14-15
Practicals:
- Relationship issues are not truly resolved until there is true forgiveness.
- Forgiving others is commanded – note the scriptures that follow the Matthew 18 text quoted above:
- Matt 18:21-22 is about forgiving “seventy-seven times”, but the NIV footnotes says it could also say “seventy times seven” or 490 times! The point is that we should continue to forgive our brothers and sisters.
- Matt 18:23-35 is the parable of the unmerciful servant, which teaches us that we have been forgiven much, so we need to freely forgive others. This perspective is important to discuss when helping resolve relationship issues.
Settling Differences of Opinion
Example: Acts 15 – the Council in Jerusalem where Paul and Barnabas discuss the conversion of Gentiles with the apostles and leadership of the Jerusalem church.
1 Certain people came down from Judea to Antioch and were teaching the believers: “Unless you are circumcised, according to the custom taught by Moses, you cannot be saved.” 2 This brought Paul and Barnabas into sharp dispute and debate with them. So Paul and Barnabas were appointed, along with some other believers, to go up to Jerusalem to see the apostles and elders about this question.
Acts 15:1-2 New International Version (NIV)
Goal: Unity
Process: LISTEN
- Let both sides speak – the apostles listened to the original complaint from the “party of the Pharisees”, then called upon Paul and Barnabas to tell them the other side of the story.
- Initiate an Issues discussion – the apostles and elders discuss the matter and take time to consider the main issues
- Seek God’s input and look for how He is working in the situation – Peter talks about his experience with the issue and how God worked to show him the Gentiles were to be accepted
- Talk about the facts related to the issue – Paul and Barnabas talk about the miraculous signs and wonders God had done among the Gentiles
- Explore potential solutions and decide on one that is based on the facts and is responsible and consistent with the discussion and God’s word – James presents the judgment of the group: to accept Gentiles if they live according to some godly principles
- Note the solution and communicate it to those affected – they make sure that the decision will be clear to all who are affected by sending out a letter detailing the decision and conditions
LISTEN – this is a way to work through our differences of opinion and relationship issues.
Principles:
- It’s important to hear both sides of the story before forming opinions or making decisions – Prov 18:17
- After discussing an issue we need to take it to God and let Him guide the final decision – 1 Sam 23:1, Prov 16:9
Practicals:
- Be sure to let both sides state their case, then
- Discuss the main points but be sure to let God enter the discussion through studying the Word and prayer.
- Bring the issues to leadership if they cannot be resolved. Leaders are given the responsibility by God to make decisions that lead the group to unity and glorifying God.
- When a decision is reached, make sure it is clearly communicated to everyone affected. Communication is key to making sure the dispute does not flare up again.
Concluding Thoughts
Whether we are dealing with conflict resulting from sin, relationship issues or differences of opinion, we need to keep our goals in mind: repentance, forgiveness, and unity. Some conflict situations will involve more than one type of conflict, and in some cases, other types of conflict will arise. For example, when discussing matters of opinion and working to resolve them, relationship issues can surface, especially if the discussion becomes emotional and personal issues enter into the discussion. Any conflict can involve sin or lead to sin, as differences lead to “hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions, and envy” (Galatians 6:20). In cases of multiple types of conflict, it may be best to address them separately to first address any sin, then seek forgiveness for any relationship issues. With these resolved, the discussion around differences of opinion can be done with a spirit of working toward unity.