Before we explore resolving conflict, we need to consider when it makes sense to avoid it.
Overlook It
Sometimes it’s best to overlook the issue, according to the book of Proverbs:
Fools show their annoyance at once,
Proverbs 12:16 New International Version (NIV)
but the prudent overlook an insult.
A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.
Proverbs 19:11 New International Version (NIV)
Often conflict occurs because we take offense to something someone said, or we disagree with an opinion or statement that someone expressed. The words of wisdom in Proverbs tell us that it’s foolish to become annoyed at this too quickly and that by applying wisdom and patience, we may find that we can avoid a conflict.
Avoid It
In addition, it makes sense to avoid getting into conflict over foolish and stupid arguments:
Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels.
2 Timothy 2:23 New International Version (NIV)
Such arguments lead to quarrels or conflict. If we avoid these types of arguments, we can keep from making others feel offended or angry, and keep conflict from happening or escalating.
Discuss It
Although the context isn’t precisely about conflict, a passage in the book of James gives us a general principle to help with refraining from arguments and getting offended.
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires
James 1:19-20 New International Version (NIV)
If we practice listening first, then speaking we can avoid anger that leads to conflict. We tend to get this backward: we get angry, say what’s on our minds, then, after we calm down enough to listen, we’ve already entered into conflict and need to seek to resolve it. Many a conflict can be avoided by listening to what’s really being said and understanding what’s really going on before we speak and get angry.
Address It
A word of warning: some issues are worth addressing even if they will lead to conflict. If an issue threatens someone’s faith, will damage their relationships with others or is a safety/health concern (for example, substance abuse, etc), then you should address it or seek advice from those best trained to address the issue. This includes ministry staff or elders, but at times may also require professional help. Be sure to get advice when the situation is beyond your level of skills or talents. This isn’t a lack of faith on your part, it’s common sense to seek the best help that God can make available to help your brother, sister or friend.
In general, refrain from conflict when it makes sense to overlook the offense. One way to tell if you should overlook it is that you get angry or emotionally charged before you listen or take time to talk out an issue. If your emotions begin to control your words and actions, you need to slow down, take a breath and just listen. Also, be sure to address issues that threaten someone’s faith, health or safety, and get help when the issue is beyond what you’re capable or trained to do.
Ask:
- What are some conflicts you’ve had that were not worth escalating into an argument?
- What kind of issues would be “foolish” or “stupid”, and should be avoided?
- What issues are worth addressing and shouldn’t be avoided?
Practicals:
Some thoughts related to listening, speaking and anger (James 1:19-20):
- “quick to listen” – listen to the issues, from both sides. Practical: repeat back what the person said to ensure you heard it correctly and affirm that you are listening. But take care to go right back to listening, as we see in the next point.
- “slow to speak” – avoid giving your opinion or thoughts until others have spoken and told their “side of the story”. Practical: ask questions about the situation and the convictions that are needed to resolve the issue rather than lecturing or preaching to them.
- “slow to anger” – be non-confrontational and restrain your anger when you speak to the situation. Practical: if you feel you are getting angry or “taking sides”, then pause to pray and seek God’s direction on how to continue.
Concluding Thoughts
Refraining from conflict when it makes sense can lead to saving time and effort, preserving or even building up a relationship, and growing more Christ-like and forgiving. Remember that Jesus made himself nothing, took the nature of a servant and humbled himself, all to forgive us and overlook how we treated him so that God could be glorified.
In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:
Philippians 2:5-8 New International Version (NIV)
Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
rather, he made himself nothing
by taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
by becoming obedient to death—
even death on a cross!