From Tom and Mary’s midweek lesson for the Marrieds, Feb 12, 2020…
Two are Better Than One
Before we get started, get a piece of paper and a pencil or pen. As part of this lesson you’ll be writing down things to discuss this week as you prepare for the Virginia Marriage Retreat (February 22-23, 2020).
Introduction
Solomon, known as the wisest man in the Old Testament, wrote the book of Ecclesiastes where he talks about many things that are meaningless in this life, “vanities” that mean nothing but that we should “Fear God and keep his commandments” (Ecclesiastes 12:13 NIV). One meaningless thing he mentions involves being alone without someone to share one’s life:
7 Again I saw something meaningless under the sun:
8 There was a man all alone;
Ecclesiastes 4:7-8 New International Version (NIV)
he had neither son nor brother.
There was no end to his toil,
yet his eyes were not content with his wealth.
“For whom am I toiling,” he asked,
“and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?”
This too is meaningless—
a miserable business!
He describes life without someone to share the load as a “miserable business”. The Living Bible says it’s “pointless and depressing”!
From the start God knew that man needed a companion – let’s look at God’s evaluation of all that he created in Genesis 1:
- Day 1 (v. 3-5): He creates light and “saw that the light was good”,
- Day 2 (v. 6-10): Next was land and sea, and He sees that this too is “good”,
- Day 3 (v 11-13): He then creates all vegetation, plants and trees, and sees that this also is “good”,
- Day 4 (v. 14-19): Then came the stars, sun and moon, which, you guessed it, He said was “good”,
- Day 5 (v. 20-23): Now he creates the creatures of the sea and birds of the air, and yes, sees that it’s “good”,
- Day 6 (v. 24-31): Which leads to creating all of the animals on the land, including mankind, but this time he saw all that he created and says it’s “very good”!
- Then on day 7 He rested, but after 6 days of creation and seeing declaring that it was all good, God sees the man alone and…
The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
Genesis 2:18 New International Version (NIV), emphasis added
God did not intend for us to be alone; He intended for us to be better together.
9 Two are better than one,
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 New International Version (NIV)
because they have a good return for their labor:
10 If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.
11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
12 Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
We Are Better Together
While Ecclesiastes 4 is not specifically about marriage, the passage speaks to how two are better together in 4 ways, and these ways can be applied to our marriages:
1. Sharing the load – “they have a good return for their labor”
Building a strong marriage takes a lot of work, and building it together is God’s plan for a good return, a fruitful strong marriage. Mary and I had a rocky start to our marriage – we came from different backgrounds with different expectations about how we approached being married. We were blessed with having mature couples in our lives that helped us change and repent, but it took effort: there were many difficult conversations, changes of habits and forgiveness, but it made our marriage stronger. Eventually after our children were out of the house and we faced an empty-nester future of “just the two of us”, we had built a strong marriage and we want it to grow even stronger as we grow old together.
Sharing the load also applies to the things we do as a married couple. There are some things you just can’t do on your own. Imagine going on your honeymoon alone, or ask any single parent how difficult it is to raise godly children alone (and we need to support and pray for our single moms and dads!). Even managing a household together: Mary and I wouldn’t survive if the cooking was all up to me, and our cars might break down and not run anymore if it was all up to Mary :-).
Discussion Topic: Write down one way you’re working with your spouse to build up your marriage and family.
2. Succeeding over Difficulties – “one can help the other up”
Life is full of challenges, and we face many in building strong marriages: unexpected bills, illnesses, arguments over decisions, etc. We need each other to get through challenging times and circumstances, and as we do our marriages will grow stronger.
This is especially important in helping each other in our relationship with God. There have been many times where either Mary or I were not doing our best spiritually, sometimes due to a challenge or disappointment in our lives or even due to hurt feelings between us. In those times, we learned to fight for each other to be close to God first, the stronger one lifting up the weaker. For us this includes encouragement, praying together and individually for each other and at times pointed us to someone more mature in the faith who can help. For me this is a key to my spiritual maturity; as Solomon said, pity the one who falls and has no one to help him up, because if we didn’t have each other, we may not have looked for someone to help us on our own at some of our down times spiritually. Praise God that He blessed us with each other to help us up.
Discussion Topic: Write down one way your spouse helps you get through challenges, or how he/she helped through a recent challenge.
3. Staying close – “if two lie down together, they will keep warm”
Our marriages grow through encouraging each other and building closer intimacy. Life beats us down at times and we need each other for encouragement. As mentioned before, we need to share the load and help each other up, but add to that a need to encourage and have intimate times to build a strong marriage.
We also need to continually deepen our intimacy so that we can keep from growing apart as we get older. Too many couples grow apart with time and lead their relationship into sad loneliness, living in the same house but worlds apart. This often happens as couples become empty-nesters: the kids were the focus of the relationship and now that focus is gone. Building intimacy at every stage of our marriage is the way to avoid this.
You know how a phrase can mean different things in different contexts? Hebrew is a language where often words have multiple meanings depending on context, and unless we are language scholars (and very few of us are), we need to rely on the interpreters to make sure we understand a passage correctly. Ecclesiastes 4:11 is a passage with two words that if we put them into a different context, it would change the meaning dramatically. The Hebrew word translated in the NIV as “lie down” can also be interpreted as a sexual innuendo, like when we say “let’s get in bed together”, and the word translated as “warm” can mean “inflamed with passion”! In a different context, the type of intimacy discussed could be about our physical sexual relationship. Certainly this is important in a marriage, and a gift given to men and women in a faithful marriage. Don’t neglect this aspect of intimacy as you build a strong marriage!
Discussion Topic: Write down one way your spouse encourages you in a way no one else can.
4. Standing up for each other – “two can defend themselves”
As we build our marriages, overcome difficulties and build intimacy, we’ll face opposition, since the world is under the influence of enemies of God. These enemies want us to have marriages that don’t grow, or even fail. We need to fight for each other, and for our marriages. If your spouse is attacked spiritually and is going through a down time, you need to fight in prayer for them and help them to seek help from a mature married brother or sister.
Also, if difficulties are attacking your marriage and causing arguments or disagreement on decisions, and the like, we need to fight to be unified and seek help from more mature couples, and if advised to do so get professional help. Mary and I had many times where a more mature couple was able to see through our anger, disappointment, disagreeable spirit or just plain foolishness to help us appreciate each other and our marriage, and make changes to help us be stronger. Mary and I are thankful for the help we’ve received over the years from mature couples. Thank God for His church!
Discussion Topic: Write down one way you individually or as a couple fight to stay strong spiritually in your marriage.
Concluding thoughts – “a cord of three strands is not quickly broken”
We’ve often heard Ecclesiastes 4:12 taught in a way where we’re encouraged to add God as a third strand to our marriage to make it stronger. While it’s true that God makes us stronger in our marriages, applying the passage to our marriages is somewhat out of context. There may be a different way of viewing this from a tradition in some wedding ceremonies.
During some weddings, a gold cord is laid out in front of the bride and groom, and the bride takes a white cord, symbolizing her purity, and the groom takes a purple cord, symbolizing his responsibility to lead his wife, and they weave their cords back and forth around the third gold cord that represents God. This forms what some call “God’s knot”, and clearly symbolizes how the couple wants to keep God at the center of their marriage.
We need to keep the gold cord of God and His love at the center of our marriages as we weave our lives around Him and intertwine our lives together. Our strength together needs to be centered on that third strand that will make the two strands of our marriage stronger.
Two are better than one – we are better together.
Homework
Now it’s time to share the things you wrote down from the Discussion Points with your spouse and find new ways to help one another, face challenges together, grow in intimacy and encouragement, and defend each other and our marriages.
Take time before going to Williamsburg for the retreat to talk then pray together.
May your marriage grow stronger and stronger to glorify God!